Johan Miller, Rev.

Andrea’s Story

“I have just had the first Holiday Season in my whole life…”

My name is Andrea, this is my story.

Let me begin by saying that I had never, in 45 years of life, had a calm happy holiday or birthday, I could even have a problem on flag day! Without sharing a lot of detail, life had seemed so overwhelming that from Easter to X-mas, every occasion, I could not show up as I would be screaming and crying out of control for no apparent reason; I missed stuff or ruined it over and over and over. This happened for so many years that my mom threatened to stop doing holidays because the upsets would invade the whole family. I thought I should just stop trying to participate, that my not being there would make it easier for my kids and family.

Early in my life I had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). My life always seemed like it was out of control. Some how the way I viewed my life was unloved, maybe even unwanted. I had extreme issues with my parents, including being scared to death of my father. Also, I would continually push relationships and responsibilities of any kind away, often violently. Self medicating to numb my self or cope with things became a way of life, an addiction, the only way I came to believe would give me any control over my life. Only now can I look back to see the long dark tunnel of misery I went through and took anyone with me that would go.

I did make efforts, years of them. I reached out until I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore, then in some lucid moment I would find some way to reach out again. The biggest things that seemed to help at all were ‘The Forum’ (now Landmark Education) and my therapies with Ann. I would often try two or three types of alternative type processes at a time. I was doing some Landmark classes and tuning forks with Ann when my sister introduced me to a process called Core Health in the winter of 2008. I was basically trying anything and everything, I just wanted to be better… I hated my life, the way I was living.

I completed the first five levels of the Core Health process. I was not clear or 100% certain on what I had gotten from the course immediately because of the other things I was doing around the same time. I had forgiven my parents and gotten clear that they did the best they could. I came to experience a place of oneness with them. I realized that I had shifted to a place that I not only was OK with it all, I was thankful for the opportunity I had been given to learn and grow. They had universally given me exactly what I needed to get exactly where I am right now. To have the experiences I needed to have to learn, understand, to be in a place of power with my life that I would have never known. They taught me many great things, even though it didn’t seem so great at the time. I have now been able to see that without all of it I would not know, or feel, or clearly be who I am and have the knowledge and resources I have to help others. But, most importantly, to be in their world, to have empathy and really “get” what’s going on for them. I Love my parents fully and unconditionally. I Love them for who they are and who they aren’t. I thank them for giving me the gifts they have given me in all areas however they were perceived at the time.

There are actually 12 levels of clearings in the Core Health process that I will not take the time to discuss here today. The main point for me is that doing only the first half, has already calmed and cleared up so much in my life. Let me share how.

This last Thanksgiving (2009) I opened my mouth and invited my dad, who I had feared greatly, to stay at my house with his wife and dog for 3 days. Before I wouldn’t have wanted company for 3 hours,  especially with someone I was scared to death of.  He doesn’t agree with BPD and we have never talked about it. I was completely vulnerable and still felt intimidation.  But, something didn’t happen!  I not only invited him, they came and the 3 days were a success.  So I felt like this was my First Thanksgiving ever! It really felt like ‘family.’ Christmas followed with the exact same experience!  I even threw a surprise party for my son on Christmas eve.  NO breakdown in regard to BPD. On the other hand, there were breakdowns, like the kitchen sink drain broke on Thanksgiving day and we had to use the bathroom for all water and draining needs while cooking for 15 people.  I had no upset. By Christmas night my family applauded and acknowledged me for how fantastic I had been.  For me, I had just had the first Holiday Season in my whole life without crying or thought of suicide or running away from all people.  No anxiety present!  I had fun, vitality, closeness with all my kids and family.  My 3′rd grandson born slap in the midst of all that on the 23′rd of December.  I reacted unfavorably to NONE of it.  I enjoyed it! It is clear to me that Core Health was the instrument for that particular result, I am a thousand percent sure of that; there is no other explanation after 45 years of the same behavior showing up over and over.

Something I was taught early in life and believed is ‘things can be too good or easy to be true.’ I am thrilled to report that I know one thing that is so good and I know is true, Core Health and Heart Forgiveness.

I have since participated in the Heart Forgiveness process. I have literally seen, watched, and felt anger dissolve for myself in areas I had been suffering with and working on for years. This happened during one afternoon and evening. Releasing anger opened the way for me to see the benefits that I had received from the Core Health process that I have participated in. Now, I have gotten to a place where I can simply state an idea or fact to my energy system and declare it to “be” so and it is. I literally have the feeling of remembering when this or that would have made me angry or even been appropriate but it does not affect me the way it used to. The old feelings of wanting to choke someone or yell has died off. I now experience an incredible sense of calm, peace, centeredness… It has taken time to adjust to the new way of feeling but keeping up with the homework exercises has helped me to adjust to the new feelings of freedom. It is becoming so natural for these feelings of peace and joy to be integrated within me, for new ways of living my life being responsible and strong with it.

I learned how to zero in on my heart center and handle any situation with myself or another human, communicating heart center to heart center; Spirit to spirit never having to say a word out loud and getting results. I have found that I love my life and friends and family, too.
I am on a road that I couldn’t even dream of as little as 3 years ago. I am finally enjoying happiness. My name is Andrea!